Thursday, December 16, 2004

Mouth of Sauron nominated for Secretary of Homeland Security

'MINISTER OF SINISTER' PROMISES DEATH, DISTRIBUTION OF MAN-FLESH

BARAD-DUR, Mordor - Following Bernard Kerik's withdrawal from nomination for Secretary of Homeland Security due to concerns over the immigration status of his housekeeper-nanny, the Mouth of Sauron has officially been nominated in place of Kerik.

Clad in his characteristic garb of rusting armor and rotting leather, with only his outsized, scarred, hideous mouth visible beneath his immense spiked helmet, the Mouth of Sauron today addressed a clearly terrified news media.

"It is a position of great responsibility," he said, with the weird, toothy, characteristic grin which some experts feel is roughly akin to the aggression display of certain primates. "And great power, as well," he added.

"Yes, thou in the back row, from the Associated Press. Doest thou have a question for the Mouth? Speak swiftly, or thy life is forfeit," the Mouth said. The reporter stammered something unintelligible and then averted his eyes, trembling with terror.

"A good question," the Mouth replied. "Yes, there will be many sweeping reforms when I become your master. They will be as follows: madness, abasement, blood-lust, screams, death...uh, let me see my notes here...ah, yes, as well as the fair and equitable distribution of man-flesh to all deserving servants of evil."

This, while met with loud and sustained applause from the various goblins, orcs, half-orcs, and fighting uruk-hai attending the conference, was received with clear anxiety by members of the media and other edible humans present.

The Mouth of Sauron noted that henceforth and verily unto the ending of the world he will be addressed as the Mouth of W, and that upon the rim of his sable helm it shall read, "I am the Mouth of W, hear him misspeak."

"All states of Red shall be W's forever, solely," the Mouth said, grinning. "All states of Blue shall be tributary to W, and men there shall bear no weapons as they have always done, but shall have leave to govern their own affairs, plus the occasional luxury of a snippy New York Times column or triple-latte mocha with cinnamon shavings, as permitted."

Collecting tribute from the states of Blue could prove problematic, however; many of their inhabitants have already fled to the mystical lands of Canada, France, and Hollywood.