Friday, January 14, 2005

I Speak Wuss

What's this? W is apologizing for uttering: "bring 'em on," in reference to terrorist attacks in Iraq and "dead or alive," as to how he likes his Osama bin Laden prepared.

While I'm not exactly sure what circumstances are involved here, and I'm not exactly sure that I care, I don't like the idea of the President talking tough and then later bumping his remarks down to a PG-13 rating so as not to offend anybody. But this exquisite, bitchy hypersensitivity seems to be the hallmark of this age. The bogus language of PC was specifically invented on the pretext that words like 'manhole' were doubleplusungood. Describe the weather as being 'nippy' to someone sometime - yep, see you in court.

Bush's words are hardly for the ages - he just isn't going to deliver a Gettysburg Address or a 'bridge to the 21st century', and I've come to accept that - but imagine what other great leaders would sound like similarily amended.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT: Speak softly, but carry a big stick. (But don't hit anybody with the big stick, because you might hurt them, even if they did something like invade Poland or fly planes into your buildings. Don't wave the stick, either. Better yet, forget the stick and just apologize. It's probably your fault whatever happened, anyway.)

WINSTON CHURCHILL: I regret I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, sweat, and tears. (The public won't buy that, Lord Bring-Down. People might think that you actually expect, um, sacrifice for a great cause. No can do. Why don't you stress the urban renewal potential behind the Luftwaffe's bombing campaign instead?)

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Four score and seven years ago...(Whoa, too much math there, Abe. You've already lost and offended the numerically disinclined.)

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT: ...a day that will live in infamy...(not that other days can't be just as infamous. All days are important. No single day should be cited out for undue promotion or censure, whether it be the day the Magna Carta was signed or the day you finally took out the trash like your wife told you to.)

RONALD REAGAN: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. (Well, not right now of course. Maybe later, when you're up to it. Or whatever. They seem happy over there. Or docile, at least. And it does give something for the youth to spray-paint. Not to mention the fact that it keeps the East from getting it's ideological chocolate into the West's peanut butter, so to speak. Not that peanut butter is better than chocolate...um...what were talking about?)